Top 4 Signs You May Be Heading For Divorce Town

Top 4 Signs You May Be Heading For Divorce Town

 

And How to Thwart a Divorce

 

When that dreaded word first crossed my mind, I grinded my teeth and rolled my eyes. Not me, I thought. Like every blissfully newlywed couple, I saw nothing but rainbows and sunshine in our future.

But then life happened.

After learning that I was pregnant with our first child, the financial storm of 2008 was also brewing. Earlier that year, my husband, James, and I invested in two properties in hopes that it would be a lucrative investment. But the financial crisis drastically slowed the housing market, and we were unable to sell our properties as planned.

This meant that we were saddled with not one, but three mortgages—all while I was planning for my maternity leave. We were beyond broke. In fact, we even contemplated filing for bankruptcy.

But this was only the storm that everyone knew about.

There was another quiet, even eerie, uncertainty brewing behind the scenes. I call this the calm before the real storm.

The truth is, our financial stress perpetuated an existing void. We’d been disconnected on many levels for years. Unfortunately, I was the only one who felt that loneliness. James was too preoccupied trying to fix our finances that he didn’t notice that we also needed fixing.

In the end, our financial troubles combined with our lack of communication and intimacy overpowered us.

Although my decision to split was extremely difficult—not to mention unbelievably painful—it was the right one for me. A series of epiphanies led me to accept that separation was inevitable. Let me share those realizations with you.

Four signs that your marriage may be in trouble:

1.   You’re sad more often than not

Like the cliché goes, I became a shell of the woman I was during the last few years of my marriage. My laughter faded, my smile disappeared, and my happiness bleached.

But I ignored the signs. And attributed my melancholy to everything under the sun (i.e. fatigue from being a new mom, financial stress, etc.). I ignored, shrugged off, and even projected the real source of our unhappiness. I felt this way for years before finally realizing that my sadness, in large part, was due to the unhappiness in my marriage.

2.   There’s no more intimacy

Now, we all assume that intimacy refers only to physical closeness. But in fact, intimacy can exist on many levels (i.e. emotional, spiritual, intellectual and physical). In my case, most forms of true closeness has evaded us. This only enhanced my loneliness, and actually caused me to look for support and fulfillment elsewhere. At first, I found intimacy in my dreams (yes, while sleeping). I would dream of bonding with other men. I then opened up more to my friends, but even that didn’t completely fill the void.

By the end of my marriage, I reconnected on social media with an old flame from my past with whom I shared a deep connection.

That was the nail in the coffin.

Martin provided me with the love, attention, closeness and support that I didn’t feel that I was getting from James. Although all of our correspondence was via email, it became all consuming. It prevented me from focusing on—and addressing— the real problem in my life.

3.   Your Couple’s Therapy is futile

I know too many couples who sought help in their marriage a little too late in the game.

I was guilty of that as well.

By the time James and I sat on that couch adjacent from even the most sympathetic therapist, I was already so disconnected from him. I didn’t feel there was any chance of reconciliation. Because of that, therapy didn’t yield the desired outcome for us. The truth is that we should have headed to that cushy couch years earlier.

4.   You feel trapped

Amid growing our family and surviving the heart-crushing financial stress, I felt uncharacteristically trapped in our house. Perhaps we had outgrown our house with the addition of two daughters? Maybe I saw everyone around me buying their dream homes and I yearned to do the same?

All I knew is that I needed out of my home. I yearned for a change of scenery. Any kind of change, to be honest.

Or so I thought.

After we finally emerged from our debt, we were able to buy and renovate our dream home.

It was there that I had another epiphany.

I still felt trapped in our new house. I realized that it I didn’t feel confined because of our home: I felt trapped in a loveless marriage. Again, I’d been projecting my problem.

The Divorce diva’s advice:

1.   Identify the problem:

A little bit of self-analysis and reflection go a long way when trying to understand your problem. Sometimes, we think we know what’s making us unhappy, but deeper analysis can reveal a different source altogether. This is why it’s important to take the time to dig deep.

You may even have to read up on the subject and talk to someone you trust and who can remain objective about your situation.

2.   Communicate, listen, and communicate more:

Communicate openly and honestly about how you’re feeling with your spouse. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you need and want (even if it may hurt their feelings). For example, if you feel disconnected from your partner, then address the potential lack of intimacy with him/her before you start looking for it elsewhere.

Be sure to listen to their concerns and needs too. Try to find a solution that works for both of you. And start with small steps if needed.

You may have to revisit this conversation a few times, read up on the subject, and even seek couple’s counselling.

3.   Don’t be afraid to seek help and support

If all of the above fail, or isn’t enough, then consider seeking professional help. The earlier you do this, the better! Therapy provides a safe environment, and whatever you say remains confidential.

Couple’s therapy helped James and I realize some deep-seated issues that we each brought to our marriage (and yes, most of us have some issues). There’s no shame in that. As long as we take the proper steps to learn and heal from them.

Life is a journey, and so is marriage. It’s all about learning and spiritual growth.